If we are committed to living more gently with ourselves there are some things that are not negotiable, in my view anyway. One of them is waking up to our own suffering so we can treat ourselves more kindly.
The problem is that most of us don't realize when we are suffering. Our suffering moves in like an invisible stranger, completely unnoticed. We are moving too quickly or completely caught up in what's happening to pause to notice "suffering".
Or we don't want to acknowledge that we are "suffering". (Such an unattractive word!) After all, other people suffer. But us? No, we are simply having a hard time, because we know from past experience that we can soldier on, pushing through with the best of them.
The truth of the matter is, when we're having a difficult time with anything, this can (and should) be acknowledged as a moment of suffering. It's ok to let go of our pride, our perfection, even our resiliency to say, "This is difficult!" and admit that suffering is happening. Period.
In the spirit of self-compassion, it is vital that we learn how to catch ourselves having a difficult moment ... caught right in the midst of struggle, like a fish dangling from the line, hook in mouth, flopping around, hoping to break free. By catching ourselves in a moment of difficulty, by acknowledging that we are hooked, we can do something different and kind. We can stop, take a breath (or two or three), and offer ourselves some empathy, a bit of tenderness. Let's do that right now, shall we?
Take 3 deep breaths. Then go with the flow of your breath. Breathe easily, naturally. Allow yourself to be breathed. Drop into a kinder, gentler place within yourself and rest your attention there.
Bring to mind a difficult situation in your life. This can involve you or someone you care about. Notice how this issue tugs at your heart strings. Notice any difficult thoughts that arise; any emotions that come forth. Breathe.
Acknowledge that this is a tender moment for you by placing your hand on your heart and saying with a kind, loving voice, "This is difficult." Or something like, "I am having a hard time with this." "I wish this were not so."
As you place your hand on your heart, feel the warmth of your hand. Feel a kind breath moving through you. Re-focus on your breath, letting go of the difficult story line.
Next, say something hopeful and tender to yourself, "May I be held in compassion." Or, "This too shall pass." "It's alright." "I trust my higher power to care for me (or my dear one)." "I let go and let God." "I can rest into Love." Find a phrase that works for you.
Anytime (no matter how large or small), when you are having a difficult moment, acknowledge this moment and surround it with compassion. Give yourself permission to be kind to yourself because this IS a difficult moment. Rest assured, by compassionately caring for yourself, you can change the intensity of the moment. Ease can be yours.
"At that very moment, when things are difficult - at that very moment of panic or fear, that moment of loneliness or anger - that is actually the key moment for a person who is wishing to open their heart and their mind, because these are the moments where life can soften us. The difficulties of our lives can soften us, make us kinder to each other and more compassionate."
~ Pema Chodron
is a touchpoint. a resting place, a "remembering" of who we really are and how we can best live—kindly and compassionately with ourselves and others.
Janice Lynne Lundy, DMin
is an educator, interspiritual director/guide and retreat leader who has been pointing people back toward the Sacred for more than twenty years. She is the author of several spiritual growth books, including Your Truest Self, My Deepest Me and Portable Peace., and is the co-founder and co-director of the Spiritual Guidance Training Institute.